Poetry & Prose
Written in 12-97
Updated on 1-3-98
I knew you before your own mother did and
I created you knowing how special you would be.
Every day I send my angels to watch over you
and I always think of you.
When you are sad I feel your pain in my scarred hands.
And when you are angry
I am the one that calms you down
and gives you that peace that passes all understanding.
Sometimes I cry as I watch you lay down to sleep at night
because you neglected to think of me or talk to me that day.
You forget sometimes how much I love you
and how much I want to help you.
But no matter what you ever do
I will always be here for you.
You are my child, and that will never change.
I remember the first time that you called on me
and how happy you were that you were no longer alone.
You delighted in just knowing me.
Like most of my other children,
you make mistakes often and
you don't always do right.
But when you come back to me after straying away
I always welcome you in my arms.
I always forgive you.
I love you more than you could ever imagine.
I send you gifts all the time.
I do lots of things to brighten your day.
Did you know that one of my hobbies is painting?
Sometimes I gather all your pain and fears together
and make a collage with them in the sky.
I like making you smile.
You mean so much to me
and that is why I have done so much for you.
I loved you enough to die for you.
I love you enough to care about you.
I will always be here.
I am the best friend you will or could ever have.
I hope that you will stay with me.
I want to be with you.
I love you.
I am preparing a place just for you.
It's just how you would like it.
There are many crowns waiting to be placed upon your head, too.
One day you will wear them.
Meanwhile, I will store up your treasures for you here.
I am waiting for you.
I know you will come.
I wrote a book for you... I hope you will read it.
I know you would like it and it would do you a lot of good.
Perhaps it will help you understand what you have questions about.
I know it has helped some of your brothers and sisters.
There is also a job for you to do written inside.
I will provide all you need to carry it out.
I hope you won't let me down.
I love you, dear child.
I promise to come for you soon.
Written on 4-14-96
Updated on 1-3-98
I was crying and on the floor, I couldn't get up;
As the tears rolled down I'd had enough.
I screamed and cried out; my soul longed for something from within.
I wanted to experience all the things that had never been.
Where was change?
My hands reached out into a pitch dark hopeless world struggling
To forget, to forgive, and to begin again.
Grieving brown eyes peered into hope-filled smiles.
I didn't think I could fall any lower-any deeper-until
A trembling floor crumbled from beneath me.
Help and hope drifted away; longer was the day
The years dragged on.
Tears were hard to come by down hollow cheeks.
Empty eyes stared.
I wanted to die, yet I was dying in lies.
They said I had a heart
it was torn apart
so sue me!)
It was during those stormy nights that
I learned what pain really was.
How could I have known that there really was
Joy found me eventually.
When I was sure I had taken my very last breath,
A hand stooped low to help me,
To get me on my feet again.
It was the hand that proved to me what true and everlasting love was.
I cried as he held me. He was the friend that kept me going.
He never left me; He will never leave.
Now I'm happy.
I didn't think I'd ever be.
I thought life was a mystery.
But the joy that floods my soul is now here to stay
An everlasting joy that God could (but won't) take away.
After all, He gave it to me.
To my abuser. 6-22-98
SHOVE A KNIFE INTO YOUR SOUL TWENTY TIMES
SWALLOW A SWORD AND FEEL IT CUT YOUR HEART TO PIECES
LIE NAKED AND LET LEECHES SUCK OUT YOUR BLOOD
AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I FEEL
THE FEAR MAKES YOU SHRIVEL UP INSIDE
THE PAIN GNAWS AT YOUR SKIN UNTIL IT EATS THROUGH TO YOUR BONES
THE SADNESS WON'T LET YOU EAT
THE SHAME STAINS YOUR BODY AND SCALDING HOT WATER WILL NOT GET RID OF IT
HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL
HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND
I HATE WHAT YOU DO TO ME
I HATE WHAT YOU DID TO ME
I WANT YOU TO FEEL THE PAIN I FEEL INSIDE
JUST ONCE I WANT YOU TO KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING
I WANT YOU TO SEE MY BROKEN HEART
THEN TELL ME YOU DID NOTHING WRONG
THEN TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS
WHEN I LEAVE DON'T SAY GOODBYE
WHEN I LEAVE DON'T TOUCH ME
WHEN I LEAVE DON'T CRY
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND
BECAUSE YOU DON'T FEEL WHAT I FEEL
YOU DON'T SEE WHAT I SEE
AND YOU CAN'T LIVE WHAT I LIVE WITH
I did not mean for you to see
The anguish in my eyes,
To empathize for a misguided stranger.
You fight for me to break away
Through the tower walls,
Out of the dungeon's ashen heat.
Ask for justice? Do not.
The chains belong to the deserving child
Who hides away her secrets in dust.
Never will I know the way your voice
Brings my ghosts out from the darkness,
Yet they are frightening still.
Exposed I am, vulnerable and at your
Disposal of mercy or rational judgement.
Grief hangs over me,
yet I wallow in shame.
I shall deny myself the privilege of peace,
Carry these burdens alone.
She Waits for Me in Silence
- May 22, 2002
She is four. Her dark brown eyes are soft, her cheeks blushed with a hint of ivory cream. Full lips dare not move; she has no smile, yet she does not frown. Her head is tilted to one side. It is covered with thick auburn strands of hair that fall far down the middle of her back in twists and curls. She looks at me, wanting. I feel her needs. I sense her fears.
Today, will there be a shelter from the darkness around her? Today, will there be comfort rather than confusion? Today, will there be hope instead of despair?
She has captured my full attention. I cannot look away. I cannot move. There is no one else around. No one else can hold her, love her, protect her. I am her only possible source of safety. What will I do? What will I say?
Her sadness reaches me in what seems to be like waves of heat on a hot summer day. It hits me hard, and I fall to my knees with tears in my eyes. Now I am on her level, feeling what she feels and needing what she needs.
Overwhelmed, I want to look away. It is too much, I think. It is too much to bear. She is only a child, innocent yet broken. Who am I to care for her? Who am I to give her what she needs? For long ago, I was the one who deserted her. Did she not survive then? She will survive now.
I shook the sadness away; in doing so, I was able to focus on the grass below instead of the longing eyes ahead. I felt the anger stir in my hands. She was the one who did this, I began to think. She was the bad one. She was the one who did something wrong. Her pain... she brought it on herself. She had to have.
In anger I looked up, as if to cast it away. Instead of expressing the extent of my anger, however, I found myself once again gazing into two soft, dark brown eyes. My heart sunk. What could this beautiful child have ever done to deserve such horror in her life? Nothing. She had done nothing.
My eyes flooded with tears now as I watched her tiny hand reach forward. This young child, whose trust had been broken time and time again, was willing to trust me to make her whole again.
By now, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I held still, silently wishing for a magical potion that would instantly heal the both of us. How could I help the child when I could not help myself? How could I love the child when I could not love myself? My own emotions were far too strong to overcome; how would I ever handle the child's emotions as well?
But her hand still reached out to me. Reaching... reaching... reaching...
And she waited.
i would gather the world for you, if i could,
if it would give you hope,
and everything you cry for in the dark.
i would heal your heart,
take your pain on myself,
die for you,
if it would mean that you could live
(i mean really live),
live a life too good to even dream of
- if i could.
if i could,
i would breathe for you,
i would let my heart beat for you,
if it meant that you would not die,
not die without living.
i would give you the strength of a giant,
the health of a god,
if it would mean that you would not
have to fight your physical battles,
if it would mean that you would fight
your inner battles
- and win -
if i could.
i would take you to a special place,
if i could,
where you could look into the mirror
and love the young woman smiling back at you,
and believe in yourself,
and take care of yourself.
i would take you in my arms and hold you forever,
i would fight all your demons for you,
i would give you the life you so desperately deserve,
- if i could, i would.
But I can't.
So I will just cry.
Cry for you,
care for you,
hope for you,
pray for you,
Because I want to, I can.
Because I can, I do.
May the love around you give you the courage to fly.
-July 18, 2002
We are survivors,
But not just survivors.
We are fighters who persevere, who overcome.
We have strength that only comes from surviving the worst of circumstances,
And it gives us the power to do anything and to be anyone we wish to be.
We are like flowers
Once wilted because of the neglect and mistakes of our gardener...
But God noticed us and saw beyond our faded petals.
He took us into His special garden,
Watered us with his tears,
Filled us with the warmth of his Hope and Love.
He brought out the beauty in us that been hidden for so long,
Of no fault of our own,
And we grew.
His care and love will always be ours to call our own.
We will never have to feel alone, as orphans, abandoned.
We can be alive, which in itself is a miracle,
And we can dance...
The more we grow,
The more we will heal,
The more we will dance.
And yes, you have already begun to dance.
You are not just a survivor.
You are a dancer.
Never stop dancing.