The Reasons to Live |
4/19/2002
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You know what? Life sucks sometimes. Sometimes I look at my life and can't see anything but the negative. But there IS more. I've had a lot of smiles, a lot of laughs, and a lot of fun. It could ALWAYS be worse. I'm reminded of that often... all i have to do is turn on the news. or read the paper. or walk into a homeless shelter. or hospital. Look how far I have come... you know... honestly. there is always a "worse". i could have become pregnant with my father's child. he could have beat me as well as raped me. i could have gotten an STI. or... when i got on that bus to live with a complete stranger at 17, i could have been raped, killed, or sold into prostitution. i could have become homeless. i could have lost my chance to finish high school or go to college. i could have failed out of college. There are so many IFs, COULD HAVEs, MIGHT HAVE BEENs. But I made it. That has to count for something. And I have to hope... that one day, I am going to be well enough to help other people. People like myself. Is that possible? I hope so... I'm amazed at myself for writing all this. *Pause* Because it's not like I'm writing with a smile on my face, in the midst of happiness and joy. No, I AM in pain. I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm confused. But I have to keep going, and these are all the reasons why. Even when it isn't easy, I have to keep going. Because otherwise... all my suffering so far... has been useless. When the flood was over, God placed a rainbow in the sky as a promise. God promised me that He is with me, and that there really is hope. I believe that. With all my heart, I believe that. |
The child inside Speaks |
2/19/2002
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Daddy,
I want you to go away because you make me confused. Is this ok? Is what you do ok? Nobody else does it but i know i'm different. You said i was special. Will i always be special? Sometimes you get mad at me when i get confused and scared and then i am not special. For a little while. So i try to make it up to you and it works because then you are nice to me again. Only i wish you wouldn't be THAT nice. You taught me about bad ghosts and demons and how sometimes it was them who were in my room at night. And you said when you hear them don't look, just pray to God and he will protect you. But God didn't always protect me because the demons came after me... and so did you.
Mom said i didn't like to be touched, ever. So i never really got used to it. But i thought i was the one who was wrong. I am so confused. Aren't daddy's supposed to touch their kids? I want to be alone now but i am afraid to be alone. Froggie will take care of me tonight. I will be ok. I love my daddy, i do. I have to be a good girl now... maybe if i hide deep enough under the covers you wont find me tonight. But then i might be lonely. I'm so confused. I'm going to close my eyes now.
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Hold Eeyore |
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Listen to my Winnie the Pooh CD |
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Call a friend |
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Go for a walk |
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Color a picture |
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Read positive statements |
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Do mirror work |
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Write in my journal |
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Write positives for the negatives I am thinking |
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Paint my toenails |
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Do some Yoga and breathing exercises |
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Cross stitch |
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Paint |
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Play with play-do |
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Talk to Jitter |
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Light candles |
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Read a Psalm |
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Pray |
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To break the silence and release myself from the secrets |
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To help my family realize how serious the truth is to me |
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It may bring my father one step closer to confession |
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It may help my mother and brother believe me |
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To take a stand for myself and become empowered |
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To make a statement that what happened was wrong and that no one should get away with it |